Cold February Days (1)

Being Sad it's easier than being Happy... You see S A D only three letters, H A P P Y five and one of them is double… Tricky…

It’s the 18^th of the second month of 2012, I’ve just turned 28 and I know already two people that have committed a suicide, one was my father, he is long dead, one is a friend, struggling in a hospital to stay alive, mutilated, having lost his both legs by the failed attempt so far, a mutilated life. Today is my birthday.

“I keep only the good moments” she said to me, I replied that we all of us do. “Your life is insignificant” had said to me once. We were sitting outside a bar watching the sea and stars feeling the hot summery breeze, “insignificant life, full of miseries and pain, had been given the choice I would have never been born” fishes were jumping outside the still water, moon beams were showering the night, me, him, I was not paying any attention to what he was saying. Insignificant he had said, insignificant life now lying mutilated in a crappy hospital room.

I couldn’t ask his family about details, very secretive family you see. Many people judged the mother, he was blaming his mother too. I could not blame anyone, it is not my insignificant life you see, I’ve just turned 28.  

“I keep only the good moments, only the good ones.” She told me. We used to be classmates during high school, I did not like her back then, now I don’t know I guess I myself keep the good times only too. No grudges, grudges are stupid, grudges are shallow.

I am sitting inside a salon decorated without taste, a salon of a ferry, there is a handsome and old man probably foreigner, white hair, eyes, fleshy lips, wrinkles he is looking back at me. I am going to Athens you see to celebrate. It’s my birthday you see I’ve just turned 28 and it’s the 18^th of the second month of 2012.

I had a cigarette while waiting for the ferry. I was breathing the smoke deeply while standing in front of some broken waiting seats. Broken life, mutilated, waiting, lying on a bed in a crapy hospital room. The sun was shining, dark, white clouds snowy mountains and a blue calm sea, green lawn. I finished the cigarette I sucked it all through and through to the end of it, hungrily, passionately and then I threw it down to the dirt next to the green lawn. Not to the green lawn but next to it on the dirt why? I guess I didn’t want to spoil the green. I didn’t want to damage beauty. A quickly finished cigarette lying on the crapy dirt next to the greenery… that was all, and that was beautifully ugly.

Insignificant life he had said, maybe it was maybe it is. Sadness, fear, death uncertainty and I’ve just turned 28 it’s my birthday you see.

To be continued...